somewhere only we know;

avocadoqueen:

I hate that the way I look determines what kind of day it will be

leaving tonight.

i feel:

scared, nauseous, anxious, dizzy, disoriented, upset, angry, hopeless, alone, sad, ~~hungry.~~

~~if i could just smoke an oxy or two, i know i’d feel better.~~

weird day. i can’t help but feel i don’t really fit in anywhere anymore, even with some of the friends i’ve known the longest. it’s a bit of an unpleasant feeling. i either feel like i’m bothering people and avoid them, or i find it almost intolerable to be with people because they’re too loud and hyper and expect me to be the same. i don’t know.
i have a bad feeling about this trip, but i’m going to ignore that and just let myself enjoy it until something makes that truly impossible. there’s no point in freaking out in advance, right? i’m going to a new place with new people, and that should be enough to hold some excitement for me. of course, if i were 60 pounds lighter right now i’d be feeling a little better, but dreaming about it isn’t going to make it happen.

anyway, i’ll try to update as much as i can, as long as the hotel wifi isn’t shit, but don’t expect much from me until tuesday sometime.

I know my head isn’t screwed on straight. I want to leave, transfer, warp myself to another galaxy. I want to confess everything, hand over the guilt and mistake and anger to someone else. There is a beast in my gut, I can hear it scraping away at the inside of my ribs. Even if I dump the memory, it will stay with me, staining me. My closet is a good thing, a quiet place that helps me hold these thoughts inside my head where no one can hear them.

― Laurie Halse Anderson - Speak

Anonymous: You cant not eat the entire time you'll pass out!!! How long are you there?

oh i’m sure i’ll be fine, but we’ll see. i’ll do my best, i guess. i don’t exactly want to be completely exhausted and disoriented the entire time, nor do i want to draw attention to myself but dflgjldfjhldfh. we’ll see what happens.

k-ojika:

deadlyimperfection:

i’ll probably delete this because i’m terrified of the wrong people seeing it, but hey. here’s me, almost exactly one year ago.

:”(

oh look, i’m on my dash.

leaving for new york tomorrow and it’s safe to say i’m more than a little terrified.

attempting to keep negative thoughts and ideas under control. no, you can’t bring drugs into a different country. no, you can’t jump off the brooklyn bridge if things get too hard. no, you can’t slit your throat in the bathroom when every else is asleep if you can’t handle it. no, you can’t sneak out of the room at 2 am and exercise until the sun comes up. no, you can’t bring a shitload of food for you to purge in case your anxiety is unbearable. no no no. i’m not going to do this. i’m not going to ruin this trip for myself or anyone else. ~~yes you will~~

i’m honestly so so tempted just to fuck it and do whatever i want. wear shorts, despite the fact that my legs scarred and hideous. refuse all meals, i mean what the fuck can they do? but ughhh. i don’t want that kind of attention. i just want to float along in the background unnoticed and enjoy everything from my usual place, no meals forced down my throat.

how sad is it that the main reason for any excitement comes from the fact that i’ll probably lose weight on this trip, seeing as eating in front of people is extremely difficult for me and probably won’t happen much or at all. ugh. i can’t believe that i’m letting all of things keep me from enjoying something i’ve been wanting to do for years. this is ridiculous.

no, i’m going to have a good time. i have to stop overthinking everything and freaking myself out. i got this.